Attending a Wedding With an Ex?

Dear Jocelyn,
My ex-girlfriend and I (we dated for six years) were invited by name to a wedding. They are my friends, but she knows them now fairly well. We are no longer together. Do I ask them if they would've invited us separately had we not been together? Should I just leave it alone?
-No Longer Together

Dear No Longer,
While I would normally recommend simply asking the bride and groom about invitations, if you ask them about this situation you put them in the awkward position of potentially un-inviting one of you. This needs to be settled between you and your ex-girlfriend. Send her a note asking if she still wishes to attend the wedding. If she does, you can figure out what you are both comfortable with in terms of where to sit and how to interact. If you were both originally invited by name, then that does not change, even though your relationship has.
-Jocelyn

Should I Get a Pre-Nup?

Dear Jocelyn,

What are your thoughts on prenuptial agreements? My fiancé and I are being advised to make one and we aren't sure if it's a Christian idea- planning for a possible divorce. I'm being pressured by my family since I'm bringing in about ten times more money into the marriage than he is. Is this a good idea, or a Christian idea?

-Wealthy Bride

Dear Bride,

Your feelings are correct on this matter - it isn't a Christian idea. Prenuptial agreements are intended to protect one or both spouses financially in the case of divorce.  For certain people who are wealthy and for whom divorce is a reasonable possibility (e.g. Donald Trump), a prenuptial agreement makes a lot of sense.  For a Christian heading into marriage, it does not. Yes, there are Christians that get divorced.  Things can go wrong.  But instead of planning for divorce, plan and prepare for a strong marriage by undergoing pre-marital counseling and doing "maintenance work" once you are married. (Marriage conferences, marriage counseling, and reading books on relationships are all excellent ways to build a stronger marriage.) In getting a prenuptial agreement, you are telling your fiancé that there is a reasonable possibility you two will be getting divorced, and that you do not wish to share the entirety of yourself with him. If this is true, then I strongly recommend against going ahead with the wedding. In your vows, you are promising everything (including your money). A prenuptial agreement contradicts those vows.  

As for your family and those advising for it, come up with a standard line for them, such as: "Thank you for your concern, but I have looked into the matter and have chosen not to get one." If they press, say, "I don't want to talk about this anymore" and change the subject.  Getting married is a time when you will be learning how to leave your family and cleave to your spouse.  This is probably not the only thing you will have to tell your family to back off on.  Build strong boundaries now, and save yourself from having to do it later on down the road.

Congratulations on your wedding, and I wish you and your fiancé all the best!

-Jocelyn

Should I Attend the Wedding of a Spoiled Niece?

Dear Jocelyn,
My niece, whom I've always gotten along with, asked if our daughter and son would be their flower girl and ringbearer. Shortly afterward, she emailed a picture of a flower girl dress that was beautiful, but very poofy with layers of tulle. My daughter throws a fit with anything poofy or itchy. We had a year and a half before the wedding, so I commented that hopefully she will outgrow this issue. I also commented that the dress was gorgeous. My niece did not respond to emails or phone calls for 7 months. She finally called when she found out she was pregnant. Things have seemed fine since then. I found out today from my mom that she is not having our daughter as a flower girl. I'm assuming our son will be excluded as well. She said, "I want to pick out the flower girl dress." I had no such intentions to ruin that. I'm very sad and upset about this. We're 2 months away from the wedding, and I've wondered what was going on, but didn't want to ruffle my niece's feathers again by asking. I've cried off and on all day. I have 2 months to accept this, but is it appropriate to go to a wedding when this sort of thing has happened? I should add that my niece is very spoiled. It's always been her way or the highway. There's no talking to her. If I did go to the wedding, I'd go for my brother, but I'm not even sure I want to do it for him. Thank you for your advice.
-Upset

Dear Upset,
My, what a delicate situation! This doesn't sound like the sort of thing that would normally even be an issue, but some people have the ability to make the smallest slight into a big deal. Your niece sounds like one of them.

You have two options:

1) Try to clear the air by talking to your niece. Ask her why she is not using your daughter as the flower girl anymore, and don't let her turn it around on you. If she tries to say that you said your daughter wouldn't wear the dress, correct her with what you did say. She might or might not change her mind.

2) Just forget about it and don't bring it up. Attend the wedding if you wish, but don't feel obliged to go.

If she is truly the type that cannot be reasoned with, option one won't work. However, option two will most likely lead to more hard feelings on her part.

Either way, try to remember that you are not responsible for the rudeness of others. Your niece is spoiled, and that is not your fault or responsibility. By your account, you did nothing wrong. She is about to enter into marriage, which is impossible to make work without sacrifice and some degree of humility. Start praying for her now that she will learn those lessons before her flaws lead to trouble in her marriage.
-Jocelyn

What Do I Call Him?

Dear Jocelyn,
I would like to know how to properly address my boyfriend to others. We live together, but are not married.
-Stumped

Dear Stumped,
"This is my boyfriend, John Brown."

I understand you want to convey the seriousness of your relationship, but living together is not a formal level of commitment. If the person you are speaking to becomes more involved in your life, they will soon know of your living arrangements. We also do not have a specific term to convey a boyfriend one has just begun dating, or a boyfriend one has been dating for over 5 years, or any other level of seriousness.
-Jocelyn

Plus One Clarification

To read my original post about "Plus One Etiquette," please click here: http://www.ask-jocelyn.com/2010/07/plus-one-etiquette.html

Dear Jocelyn,
I am a little confused regarding the situation with plus ones. I understand that some acceptable reasons for brides/grooms to not allow for plus ones are budget, size of venue and a desire to keep the wedding intimate (in other words, family members and close friends only). The part where I get lost is if I were married, regardless of who the friend (of bride/groom) is, the invitation would be extended to both spouses. However, because I am not married and do not live with my boyfriend of 6 years, is it justified that only I am invited and not my boyfriend? That really is not sensible; just because people are married doesn't mean they both are close friends with the bride and groom and therefore "qualify" as close friends and family. Just because people have a piece of paper stating that they paid the fee for the marriage license required in the state where they reside, that does NOT justify excluding a couple who chooses not to be traditionally married. With the divorce rate in this country at 50% , I should think we might update our etiquette as it applies to excluding those of us who don't buy into the marriage propaganda.
Also, how is possible to delicately ask if this was an oversight? I'm at such a loss.
-Unmarried and Mad

Dear Unmarried,
Since this is not a philosophical blog, I cannot really expound on society's views of marriage or the divorce rate. However, I will offer two comments:

1) Marriage is more significant than just a piece of paper. Almost anyone who has stood in front of a judge or clergy will tell you that.

2) Married couples in society will always have more benefits than unmarried couples, whether those are tax breaks or automatic invitations to weddings. Etiquette typically reflects cultural values, and since our culture gives some privileges to the married , the rules of etiquette will also privilege marriage.

You may, of course, ask if this was an oversight. All you need to do is call or email the friend and ask in your kindest tone, "I received the invitation to your wedding and would love to come! Is there space for my boyfriend John to come? I would love it if he could join me." If she says no, simply say you understand and that you look forward to the wedding.
-Jocelyn

Should I Cut My Losses?

Dear Jocelyn,
I have been dating a man for 16 months now. When we started dating he was fresh out of a relationship where he loved the woman AND her children. I had just gotten divorced and I myself have two children (5 and 3). He is willing to talk about EVERYTHING except our relationship, how he feels about me (other then he likes me and that i make him happy). His silence and fickle nature with me took me to the point to where I had to break up with him, I explained to him that i needed him to be open, a little vulnerable and tell me what he wants in life (other then career goals). He pursued me again and we got back together, however, the silence is still there. He is so silent on the subject and so closed off that he could break up with me tomorrow or decide to say that he loved me and I would not be surprised by either one.

I got back with him because I saw him pursuing me as a recognition of what i mean to him etc. Am i fooling myself? Am I allowing myself to be used? Our relationship seems to be 90% on him terms and if I try to ask a simple question such as "what do you want in life, out of life" or as deep as "can you see yourself ever living with me" he completely avoids it and if I ask why he gets stressed out. At what point do I just call it a loss and walk away?
-Confused

Dear Confused,
It seems like this man is genuinely interested in you and enjoys your company. You are not being foolish to pick up on that. But, for whatever reason, he seems to be averse to commitment or the future. This could be because he was hurt before (having to say goodbye to children you have grown attached to can be devastating), or maybe he has always been this way. Whatever it is, this is clearly not working for you, nor should it. 16 months is not an unreasonable time to have talked about the future, hopes and dreams, etc. You have explained to him how you feel, and asked him to share with you. At this point, I would advise cutting your losses. If he loves you and can't live without you, he will do what he needs to do to get you back. (And at this point, that needs to be presenting you with a ring and a wedding date.) If he loves you, but is not willing to do what it takes, he is not the sort of man you want to spend the rest of your life with. Best wishes!
-Jocelyn

Modern Communication Etiquette

Dear Readers,

I recently had this question come through my inbox:

Dear Jocelyn,
I asked my cousin via text if I could contribute nachos to her birthday party for 75 guests, she has not responded. I even sent another text asking is that a no to the nachos? No reply. I am guessing that for whatever reason she does not want the nachos which is completely fine, I still feel like she should at least reply with a no thank you or something rather than just ignore. Am I being a jerk for expecting a reply? I just find it rude.
-Nachos

My answer is a simple one — call her! Texts get lost, people are busy, or some people are just plain rude and don't respond. Either way, this can be fixed with a simple phone call.

The reason I am writing about it like this is I wanted to expand on this. Modern communication presents new challenges for etiquette. This is always true of new technology. I found it interesting when Miss Manners told her gentle readers (when asked of the appropriate ESA of asking for a date via text) that texting is a new form of communication and is acceptable to use. She reminded them that when the telephone came out, it was considered odd for a man to request a date over the phone instead of in person. (Something that is considered perfectly appropriate now.) So new technology always presents new ways for people to be kind and rude, to be closer or more distant, more efficient or to procrastinate.

I would like to recommend this suggestion for new technology, whether it be text or email or Facebook:

Don't let technology make you passive. It is easier to jot off a quick email or text than to call or write. While this is much appreciated, and makes communication more efficient, it also allows people to passively communicate. Instead of a conversation where you can be (mostly) sure the person is listening and understanding you, email or text simply allows you to essentially tape a note to the person's door. You can't be sure they received it, whether they are too busy to respond, or if they are choosing to ignore it. While it may be scarier to talk to someone face to face (or ear to ear on the phone), it is also much more rewarding.

Hope this helps, Nachos.
-Jocelyn