Dear Jocelyn,
What is the proper etiquette for inviting significant others to a wedding? Should everyone get a “plus one”? Only people who have been dating for x amount of time? Couples in which the bride and groom know both of them?
What should I do if I feel like I deserve a plus one but do not receive one?
- Plus/Minus 1
Dear Plus/Minus 1,
Wedding etiquette is extremely important, since weddings have a tendency to turn people maniacal (and I'm not just talking about the brides). Horror stories abound, from brides who transform into Mr. Hyde as the date approaches, to relatives who decide a wedding is an appropriate place to be intoxicated, and relatives who thoughtlessly provide the bride with a list of demands for her special day.
That being said, many different etiquette queens have weighed in on this subject. I will defer to the advice of Emily Post and Miss Manners. Emily Post says that spouses, fiancées/fiancés, and live-in partners must be invited, issuing an invitation to a boyfriend or girlfriend is up to the bride and groom's discretion.
(http://www.swsmag.net/blog/2009/12/29/etiquette-with-emily-plus-ones.html)
Miss Manners goes a step further and says that “plus one” is not appropriate, and that all invitations should be issued to a particular person. For instance, if a bride would like to invite an old college friend (we'll call her Amy Brown), and is aware that Amy has a beau (we'll call him John Black) that she would like to have included, she should call Amy and ask for his name and address. Then, she should issue separate invitations to Miss Amy Brown and Mr. John Black.
(http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/article.aspx?cp-documentid=20100561)
The reasoning behind these mandates is that a wedding is a special, usually formal event for two people to make a lifelong commitment to each other in front of God and their loved ones. It makes sense that the bride and groom should have discretion in inviting or not inviting whomever they wish, and should not be coerced into issuing invitations to people they do not know. In addition, the cost of many weddings precludes them from inviting more than a certain number of guests.
In response to your question about deserving a “plus one,” I do not know if you actually deserve it or merely feel entitled to it in some way. If you are married or engaged and your spouse/affianced has thoughtlessly been left off the guest list, I would advise you to gently approach the bride or groom (whomever you feel closer to) and ask if the invitation was meant to include your significant other. If they reply no, then it is your decision—would you prefer to go to the wedding alone, or miss it on principle? (For the record, if I were invited to a wedding without my husband, I do not believe that I would attend.) While it may seem rude, the couple to be wed has every right to order the guestlist as they choose.
If you are simply dating, I recommend you plan on spending several hours without your boyfriend or girlfriend while you are attending the wedding. While you may ask if your invitation included a “plus one,” realize it is not rude at all for the couple to issue invitations only to the people they know and desire to have at their wedding.
-Jocelyn
Monday, July 12, 2010
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As a bride to be, that is something that I've agonized about with my family. One the one hand, I want to invite everyone I love and make sure to put +1 because that's the polite thing to do. But then we realized we did not have space for everyone we love, and we were going to have to cut big numbers from the guest list. :( Unfortunately, space and money considerations simply did not allow us to put +1 on all the single people's invitations. We gave a few to those who we knew had long-term bf/gfs, but we decided not to make it "default" to include +1. If "and Guest" figures on the invitation, people often think of it like a freebee. A big issue is that we don't know how many far-away relatives will actually show up or not, but they need to get an invitation, and we need to have space for them.
Later, once we start receiving RSVPs, we will have a better idea of how much space we have. Therefore... I for one (now I can't speak for all brides, of course, but I) DEFINITELY want to hear from guests who would like to bring somebody else along. Just to shout out and say "Hey, I'd really love to bring my friend X to your wedding, is there enough room for one more?" Then I would gladly say YES, ABSOLUTELY if there is, and "I'm sorry, there really isn't" if there isn't. Or "thanks for letting me know, I'm not sure right now but I'll get back to you." People get all worked up about these things but they really don't have to if they just communicate honestly. It would be no hard feelings for me. Frankly I want everyone to be happy at my wedding, and if they'd be happier bringing a guest then I want them to bring a guest.
Great insight, Christine. It's always nice to hear from someone in the situation :) That sounds like a great way to handle it - I think people are often hesitant to ask because brides often allow themselves to become stressed out and can react in MANY different ways to the same question. So now your guests at least know it is ok to approach you :)
If you are dating someone but not engaged or cohabiting and that person is not invited, there's no etiquette issue there. The couple does not have to invite your significant other in that case...
...but that also does not mean you have to attend. You can choose not to attend for any reason whatsoever (as long as you stick to what you stated on the RSVP, barring emergency).
I'm married now, but if I had been invited to a wedding solo, without my then-boyfriend (now husband) in the years before we were engaged, I would not have complained or asked for a +1, but I also would not have attended.
Good point Jenna! The couple who is having the wedding is not obligated to invite your significant other, but you are also not obligated to attend.
I found this very helpful as i am a bride to be, and have just had a huge blow out with one of our friends who will have her entire family attending i may add , stating that she was treated differently because she didnt have a plus one when she has only just started dating a guy a few weeks ago ( we WERE trying to keep our wedding small) but instead we gave into her constant nagging and eventual demands
I am so torn on what to do. is there a way to tell close friends that a plus one for them depends on rsvps?
To Anonymous: I recommend giving a firm yes or no. It is much simpler to let your friends know ahead of time one way or the other. If you find as the wedding gets closer that you have enough room for several friends to invite a date, if you wish, you can call them and say you unexpectedly have more room and they may bring a date. I hope this helps!
I'm best man and my girlfriend has not been invited. I asked if she could come to the wedding and reception which was met with a no. They then told me she could come to the wedding but not the reception.
The reason she cannt come to the reception was said by the grrom to be: we want to celebrate the day with people we know and our friend. Surely the fact that she is the girlfriend of the best man should give her an invite. And I also confirmed that there is indeed a way she could attend the reception.
Any constructive thoughts?
To the (second) Anonymous,
I understand your frustration at your girlfriend not being invited. I was a maid-of-honor at a wedding where my boyfriend (now husband) was not invited. My friend's reason was that they had simply maxed out on space for the reception (and we had begun dating after they were engaged for several months). I think until you go through the difficulty of planning the wedding, it is hard to imagine why it would be so hard to fit just one more person in. (Just remember, you are not the only one asking for a plus one!)
Here is the thing: your friends (and my friend) have to set boundaries. This is their big day, and they wish to celebrate how they want to. I know it would be more special for you if your girlfriend were there, but unfortunately, that is not an option. Like I recommended before, just think of this as an opportunity to focus solely on how you can be there for your friend on one of the biggest days of his life. The only mature and helpful option is to accept his no, and be as happy for him as you can.
I hope this helps!
-Jocelyn
Boy, what an article I came across! As someone who is now planning a wedding, but had been invited sans +1 (with my now fiance), I take into account. We were cohabitating, and I chose not to go--however, it was distant family, and it's an issue that has been brought up.
The bridal party is doing MANY things for the bridge and groom--lots of time, energy, and finances is spent on one day for friends. While, of course, the bridal party should say, "They're our friends! We're doing this for them!" The bride and groom don't seem like very good friends by not allowing a plus one for people who are already doing so much for them... especially if the bridal party will know few people in the wedding, have +1s that are getting serious, etc.
Blogs like these are what makes wedding planning and "etiquette" so stressful--I don't expect much else from something that says, "It's a day for the Bride and Groom before God!" Yech.
As a 45 year old professional woman I am insulted by the archaic nature of the advice on a single person not having the option to bring a plus one to a wedding. Maybe I run in different social circles. If you are unable to invite me with a plus one due to cost then maybe you can't afford to have me there either. Someone needs to recognize that we are in the 21st century not the 1950's.
I'm sorry you did not find this advice helpful. However, it is not "archaic." It is based on considering what is best and most helpful for the couple for whom the entire event revolves around. For couples who have large weddings, "plus-ones" could add an additional 50 guests, which means a large expense for people they might not even know.
In such modern times, I would think a modern woman should be comfortable attending an event alone. After all, it could be a nice time to make new friends and network with other guests. I find the notion that a woman needs a man at an event like this pretty old-fashioned.
This was awesome and extremely helpful, along with all of the replies. I'm creating my guestlist. Because of the big close family I have, the #of friends we'd like to attend & budget, my fiancé and I are struggling with how to determine who and how to be selective with "plus ones". I've always received a "plus one" and was therefore unsure as to how I would go about sending invites that didn't promote them.
Thank you all!! #stresslifted :-)
I have been living with a man for 3 years. His daughter is getting married in July, a wedding for which he is paying. On the guest list are his entire family (brothers, nieces, nephews, etc.) with whom I've visited as well as attended family functions. My dilemma is that it has been made clear that I am not invited. My man says he has no control over this and that this is not his choice. I say if he's paying, he has a choice. He asks that I wait for him at home until the wedding is over. I'm made to feel like I did something wrong. He left his daughter's mother way before he ever met me. Needless to say, this could be a deal breaker. It's not that I'm asking him to choose, but to grow a pair!
I recently received an invite to my cousin's wedding. My sister has been with her boyfriend for 3 years and was not given a plus one. I've been with my boyfriend a little over a year now and was not given a plus one. I can understand my not getting a plus one, but my sister really didn't need to be snubbed like that - her boyfriend has met family members on this side of the family already. My father got a plus one - he's been with some woman for about 1 1/2 years now, and no one really likes her - but he got a plus one. Not to mention the fact that my sister and I were given an invitation and rsvp card for the both of us, and our cousin had us a sit behind a pillar at her bridal shower so no one would see my sister or myself. Is it ridiculous that I find this to be tacky and borderline insulting? Do I have to go to this wedding?
Jocelyn, I think the way to regard a wedding is as a two-way street. It isn’t only about the guests being there to support the bride and groom, it’s also about the bride and groom being welcoming to their close friends and family. While it is true that the bride and groom are spending a lot of money for each guest, it is also the case that each guest is spending a lot of money to buy a gift and often, particularly nowadays, to travel to attend the wedding. I think it’s inhospitable to a guest to not allow him or her to bring someone who is important to him or herself. Of course we can imagine horror stories about some loutish guest who brings a roommate or a week-old girlfriend, but I think it’s far more common for guests to feel hurt when they would spend a whole weekend and a lot of money to attend and yet can’t bring a boyfriend or girlfriend. There are other ways to keep your budget down than being inhospitable.
To the anonymous who posted on May 21st: You are never required to attend a wedding (other than your own). If you are offended (and it seems like you might have good reason to be), then you may skip the wedding.
To the anonymous who posted on May 24th: I agree that it is nice to be able to attend weddings with a boyfriend or girlfriend. A lot of brides I have known (myself included!) would rather spend money on allowing more guests to come than having other frivolous items at a wedding. However, the fact of the matter is that a wedding IS about the bride and groom. That does not give them carte blanche to be rude, but it does mean that they are within their rights to keep a guest list under a certain number of people, or not invite people they do not know. Think of it this way: if after making a list of the "essentials" (family and very close friends), they can only invite one more person, would you rather they invite you, or not invite you, since they are not able to give you a "plus one?" If you find it boring/distasteful to travel to a wedding without a date (which is not necessarily unreasonable), then you may politely decline the invitation. Or, as I have suggested elsewhere, you may bring your boyfriend/girlfriend along for the weekend, and have him or her spend the 4 hours during the wedding/reception seeing the city or catching a movie.
I'm getting married this summer, and we are having a little tiff with a friend who wants to bring his "girlfriend" to our wedding even though we did not invite her. We invited significant others when we sent invitations several months ago, but we did not extent a plus one to people who were not in relationships at the time. As it happens, our only friends who are bringing plus ones are either married or in long-term relationships where we're friends with both people, and when single friends have asked about bringing a buddy as a plus one we've said no due to limited space.
So anyway, this friend has been "dating" (sleeping with) this woman for about two months now. She is married to someone else, and supposedly has an open marriage. She dresses inappropriately and says inappropriate sexual things loudly in public the few times we've met her. I won't go into her choice of career but it is kind of gross and in the sex-worker industry.
Our friend is a nice guy and has been a really good friend to us, but his judgement is really off in this case and we're pretty sure he's going to get his heart broken sooner or later. He has asked that if he can't bring her to the reception, can he bring her to the ceremony? We don't trust this girl to not cause a scene, especially since she knows she's not invited and is probably not too happy about that. I feel bad to be unsupportive of this friend, but we really don't want this woman at our wedding. Are we taking the correct course of action here?
Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! You are, of course, justified in saying no to this woman attending. You don't have to have any reason other than not wanting her to come, but the fact that she is married and you are concerned about her causing a scene is also a very good reason.
If you haven't already brought it up, I recommend not telling your friend you don't want his girlfriend to come because of personal reasons. He is likely to become defensive, and just cause a further rift between you two. Simply say the guest list is set, and you are unable to fit her in.
Once the emotions and tempers from this have cooled, I recommend sitting down with your friend and sharing some of your concerns with him. While he is unlikely to heed any advice you give (who is very level-headed when they are in love?), he should not enter deeper and deeper into this relationship without some sort of caution from his friends.
I ditto the comment on modern times. If the day is soley about the bride and groom, then they would have a wedding just to themselves. But if one decides to extend the invitation for family and friends to join, then it is important for the bride and groom to ensure their guests are comfortable. Amen to single people being invited with a guest! I have commonly heard the same feedback from my mid-thirty something single friends.
Im in a wedding coming up in August. My daughter is also in the wedding. I am currently not seeing anyone. When we received the invitations it was addressed to just myself and my daughter. I was very surprised that I did not have a "and guest" on the invitation. Is this normal? Seeing I have helped plan the shower/ wedding and have know her for the past 21 years I am schocked. I dont know if I should ask her or attend the wedding and reception not stay the entire reception because I do not feel comfortable not bringing a date. Opinions?
Let me ask you something - if a friend of yours invited you to a party, would you feel uncomfortable going alone? Probably not. A party is a place to mingle and interact with others. Just consider this a very structured party! During the reception, introduce yourself to others at your table, or seek out any familiar faces you might see. There is nothing "shocking" about the bride and groom not wanting strangers at their wedding. Go, have a good time, and consider this an opportunity to meet new people.
As a 31 year old gal, who has been in a relationship for over a year, I am getting very frustrated with the lack of plus ones. It has nothing to do with whether it is 1950 or 2012. Women should have the confidence to do either...but at their own discretion. I realize that it comes down to money, and venue size, etc., but every time I am not given the courtesy of bringing a guest I feel a little twinge of anger run through me. Before I was dating my current boyfriend I was happy to attend weddings solo but it still seemed insulting not to be given the courtesy. I can understand if the wedding guest list has a large single population (like many weddings I attended in my early-mid twenties) because adding a plus one could potentially double the guest list. Now in my thirties, most the weddings I attend have almost exclusively married guest lists and it doesn't seem that much to ask the handful of single people are at least given the option to bring a guest. Also, I'm sure it makes sense to put the single guests at one table but keep in mind that it sometimes feels as though you are put at the "kiddie" table. All in all it is all about the bride and groom but if you are good friends with your guests I feel that you should give them the option to have a guest and if that is not possible be very clear and upfront about the reason. I realize that the wedding is expensive but ultimately you are asking people to attend, get you a gift (and often travel/pay for accommodations) and celebrate YOUR happiness and love...it only seems appropriate for your guests to be happy and celebrating their love.
I am having this problem and trying to decide whether or not I should even attend! I realize it's the "bride's day" but, on the other hand, it is also a day for the groom and his family.
My brother is getting married in a month to a girl he has gone out with for 4 years. My brother is my only sibling (we are only 1 year apart) and we were close until he got in a relationship with his girlfriend. I am not a part of the wedding at all, which is a little hurtful to say the least.
I have not received an invitation but am assured I am invited. My problem is that my boyfriend of 10 years is not invited. We are not engaged yet but will be soon. I feel like I don't want to go to this wedding because I'm so outraged at this (their excuse is they want to keep it small and only inviting married/engaged couples.
I don't want to cause a fuss but I am feeling terrible on all sorts of levels about this wedding. I don't want to create family tension but I feel like the fiancee has to appreciate that she is also joining our family and her behaviour is not exactly going to endear me to her. We are planning on getting married next year and I don't really want the fiancee there if she is doing this to me and my boyfriend.
I am getting married in September, and our small wedding has exploded in size due to plus ones and children. Granted, we will be married in a public venue and quite literally anyone can come to the ceremony (we are doing it @ our local Renaissance Festival), but we have to pay for our guests' admissions and for the catered food on the fair grounds. Each guest is a substantial investment, not to mention we had our (small) guestlist when we signed our contract. Now, we have a much larger one because no one seemed to understand that plus one is not automatic.
This does seem to be a bit of a different issue. While I think most people who feel they "deserve" a plus one are mistaken, a sister's long term boyfriend (who is probably practically part of the family) should most likely be invited.
My advice is to try to stay calm and give them the benefit of the doubt. Approach your brother and gently ask if there is a reason your boyfriend was not invited. Then kindly ask if he could be extended an invitation. The reason I put words in here like "gently" and "kindly" is because sometimes, when on the right side of an issue, we can feel justified in making a bit of a scene. This, however, will only confirm in people's minds that the bride was right to not invite such a troublemaker.
Thank you for your perspective on this issue. I wish you joy in your new marriage!
Would it be appropriate if my significant other could not make it to the wedding with me that I just RSVP a friend to join me as my guest??
No, that is not appropriate. What you CAN do, though, is contact your friend and ask them if you can bring so-and-so to the wedding, since your significant other is unable to come. Include your friend's name and how you know them.
I say this because your friend might want to know who exactly would be attending her special event. Ask her, and if she says no, try to be gracious and accept her wishes. It would be unfortunate if something like this got in the way of your friendship!
I am slightly struggling with this problem as a guest. My boyfriend of three years (and we arn't married simply due to a student budget) has been invited to his cousins wedding. I have met nearly all his extended family, and it is being held at a location a day drive from our house. He was not given a plus one, but his cousin has invited her entire facebook friend list to the wedding and cocktails. Reception was invitation only.
Should we ask for a plus one? Can I just come for the ceremony and cocktails without special permission?
He doesn't want to offend by asking for a plus one, but I think it's not rude or offensive and they have the ability to say no without hurting anyone.
my brother is getting married in October. I feel hurt by a few things that have happened and am also not sure if I am comfortable attending. I do understand that it is their day and they should have things however they choose. My brother is having my sister do a reading at his wedding. I have not been included in any wedding events. I believe this is because I am not as smart as my sister and the stigma attached to my mental health. My sister took me off her facebook, not because I posted anything but she feared I would “post something crazy and she’s a professional” My sister is also mentioned in their wedding website because she is so great and has been so helpful. I’ve offered to help in any way i can. Then was asked to purchase some decorations they already picked out, basically even though this wedding is costing the bride’s parents over 20grand and I’m a single mom on a fixed income, dont receive child support and i have been asked indirectly to buy decorations. found that to be kind of tacky. I assumed i could bring a date until i spoke with my mother who said that since i wasn’t with anyone and it wasn’t on my invitation I couldn’t. I looked the etiquette up and it appears that’s just the way it is. I thought or hoped since this isn’t an intimate wedding and since I’m immediate family they could’ve made the same exception they did for the best man. My sister is more educated, so it is understandable that she would do a reading, the bride to be has one brother who will also be doing a reading. My brother has two sisters and to leave one out completely just hurts my feelings. My sister has always made negative comments about the bride to be and I was close with her at one time. We aren’t as close anymore and it has been years since we have been but I am friendly with her and have gone to their house for get-togethers. My sister lives far away and was going to have my brother visit once, but at the time she chose not to invite him because she didn’t want his then girl friend to come. I feel slighted that there is no mention of me in their wedding website when my sister is not only doing a reading but is boasted about in their blog. They invited her boyfriend and I understand because they’ve been together for quite some time. Lastly I just found out that the uncle who molested my brother my cousin and myself will be attending. It is well known that he molested his nieces and nephews but no one but me sees this as unacceptable. It just goes overlooked as if it is not a big deal. Apparently I should just get over it. I’ve avoided family thanksgivings for years as to avoid him and now I have to see him at their wedding if I attend. They have excluded certain cousins but invited this predator to come. Maybe my brother is okay with what happened to him and that’s why he invited him but I’m not. I’m sick to my stomach at the thought of seeing him and im sure my anxiety will be sky high as I sit alone uncomfortably because I haven’t been able to have a relationship because im too busy raising my son. Im pretty sure I could’ve found a date but it appears that’s out of the question. I don’t want to see my uncle let alone make small talk with him, it was bad enough when no one knew but now it’s known and no one cares or feels the need to stand up for the victims of his abuse. This whole wedding is not anything I’m looking forward to but i feel like i will have it held against me forever and resentment will build if i don’t show. please help. thank you
I think it is always acceptable to ask to bring a date - you just have to be prepared to say no. It sounds like it was most likely an oversight that you were not invited, considering the looseness of the "Facebook" invite.
You should, however, let your boyfriend do the asking, since he it is his family. If he is too embarrassed to do so, that is a problem you have to take up with him.
I am one of the two sisters of the groom. I think I may have not been clear in my situation when I made my post. I don’t have very good writing skills. So I will try to keep it short and do the point. I dont have a boyfriend. I have occasionally been out on dates and I assumed it would be okay if I brought someone. Weddings consist of dancing and I had hoped it might help with my anxiety. I have thought about it and I dont feel it is appropriate to ask if I can bring a date considering I am not in a relationship just beginning to date and was hoping to invite a friend of mine. Since he has not been introduced and they dont know him, it really wouldn’t make sense to even bring up the subject. I had not taken into account the cost per head or the capacity limits for the hall. Since I have thought it through I am less concerned with going stag, as I am concerned with is the uncle who will be attending. I do not know how to handle my discomfort and anxiety. I am also hurt that Ive been excluded from the wedding as were my sister is included. The bride has one brother who is doing a reading and is mentioned in their wedding site, the groom (my brother)has two sisters and has left one of them, me, out. I guess there is nothing i can do about that and despite my feelings being hurt it is their wedding. The more I think about it, it isnt that my brother left me out but included our sister. He has asked our sister to do a reading and be involved and ive been left out. after a good amount of thought I realized it is just another incident where I have been cast aside due to my family being ashamed of me, and having so much stigma associated with mental illness (the facebook comment came from my sister and i was just using ir as an example of how misunderstood I am by my own family)I should be use to it by now. So my question is how I should handle seeing and being around the uncle who molested me and other cousins of mine. It is known even by my brother who was one of his victims that this uncle is a child molester but even though its known no one seems to care. For whatever reason my brother excluded quite a few cousins from my father’s side of the family but invited the person who violated him as well as me his little sister. I don’t know what to do., it seems there’s no way to me to do anything but accept things as they are. Unless you have any suggestions?
Whoops! I posted too hastily. I meant to say, "You have to be prepared to be told no." Also, "...let your boyfriend do the asking, since it is his family." Sorry!
Don't worry, I think you were clear in your first comment. And I think you are right that the plus one is not the big deal here, but rather your treatment by your family, and them inviting an uncle who has molested nieces and nephews (or anyone for that matter!). It is shocking to think that any family would wish to sweep such disgusting behavior under the rug, but I know a few other families where that has happened, so it is quite believable.
I honestly cannot tell you what you should do - I would not blame you at all for skipping the wedding since you do not wish to see this uncle. If you want to go to support your brother, perhaps you can simply stay far away from your uncle, and not say anything to him. It is possible your brother was pressured into inviting him, and does not want him there.
As far as your family's treatment of you, since I don't know their side of the story it is hard to comment. I can understand being hurt by not being included (except to buy something!!), but you will have to choose what direction you want to go with this. If they are chronically hurtful to you, do you want to remain close to your family, or try to distance yourself? If they are usually supportive, maybe consider that this is a stressful time, and try to overlook some of these things.
I am sorry what you are going through - and I hope you are able to make a good decision about the wedding. Best of luck.
Jocelyn
What if you are in the wedding, I am a bridesmaid, and didn't get a plus one, after all the time and money I put in, I wanted to have someone to dance with and drive me home so I could drink a bit but I guess I will sit there alone?
A "plus one" is not something you earn based on being in the wedding, or spending time and money. As I have mentioned before, it can actually be helpful to not have a date at the wedding if you are part of the bridal party, because then you are free to help out in any way without having to worry about entertaining a date. (Not that bridesmaids shouldn't ever be allowed to have a date, I'm just saying it is not the end of the world if you don't bring one.) Also, do you not know anyone else at the wedding? Dance with friends, or meet someone new! Groomsmen are a nice option for dance partners. You can still drink - just do so responsibly, and have your last drink well before you leave.
This article is so great. Thanks Jocelyn! I feel like etiquette questions don't affect my daily life very much, but this is one where I was at sea. I ended up asking if I had an invite, and then if I had a +1 since my invite was lost in the mail (I'm pretty sure I didn't just invite myself to a friend's wedding since she'd asked for my address). She said no +1s, which makes me think no one is getting one. Could I still use Christine's suggestion, or just fly out there alone?
You could always let the bride know that if any spots open up, you have someone you would love to bring. If no spots open up, then enjoy yourself and make some new friends at her wedding!
Hi all, came across this thread and found it to be useful, so would like to post my own situation for your opinion.
My boyfriend and I have been close friends for several years, and have been in a relationship for 10 months. We've been co-habiting for nearly six months quite happily, and have done all the meeting the relatives etc.
For a brief period a year or so before my boyfriend and I got together, I spent a couple of months dating his best friend. Bear in mind that this was at my boyfriends insistence, we were all good mates at the time and he thought his best friend and I would be a good match. It didn't last longer than two months, and while it wasn't an easy break up, I don't feel badly towards his friend. However, his friend went a bit weird towards me, and when my boyfriend and I finally realised we wanted to be together, he made several comments to my boyfriend about how he'd made the decision to cut me out of his life and he wasn't comfortable with our relationship. He has since apologised to my boyfriend for this and apparently accepted our relationship, though he has made no effort to speak to or apologise to me, something I find quite rude.
This friend is now getting married to a woman he's been with for only a month or so longer than we've been together, and he's asked my boyfriend to be his best man. I've met the bride to be and as far as I'm aware we got on, she knew I was his ex (however brief the relationship was) and seemed pleasant enough about it. However, while formal invites have not yet been issued, no mention has been made of my being invited to the wedding as my boyfriend's plus one, despite him being the best man. As his girlfriend, I feel quite offended by this, especially as I know he'd probably want his friend as his best man if we ever got married. I wouldn't want to go normally, but I'm not happy about being cut out of a fairly important part of my boyfriend's life like this, but I don't know whether under the circumstances I have a right to ask for an invite. I always got along with the groom before we made the mistake of dating, but he doesn't seem to be able to forget about our failed relationship, whereas I don't feel it was ever significant enough to worry about. Also for the record, he ended it, not me, as he felt we weren't right together (he was right!).
I'm generally happy with my boyfriend, but I don't appreciate him being best man at a wedding I'm not even invited to and I'd like to know where I stand.
I can understand being a bit concerned about this, but keep in mind two things:
1) No formal invites have been issued.
2) You wouldn't want to attend this wedding if it weren't for your boyfriend being in the wedding party.
It sounds like you might be turning this into something bigger than it really is. Wait until the invitations are out, and see if you are invited. If you are not, have your boyfriend approach the groom and ask him if you can accompany him. He should be the one addressing this with the couple, not you. He can ask why, or if they have any concerns. If they adamantly refuse, then realize that they simply have a problem with you coming, and it won't do any good to try and change their minds. Keep in mind it is just one night. Organize a girl's night while your boyfriend is gone, and enjoy looking at pictures when they are later released. I agree with you that you should be invited to the wedding, but consider whether this is a battle you want to fight. And perhaps accept that they might not be the best couple to be friends with.
When we got married all single adults were issued a "plus one". We did not feel that it was our place to judge the validity of other people's relationships.
Hello Jocelyn, this is a great thread/post. Thanks so much! I would love your insight on my situation. I've been with my boyfriend for almost three years now, we've been living together for a year or so. We even rented the apartment together (and their parents know it although the rest of the family tries to keep it from grandma...though she loves me, she is quite conservative). I attend all family venues and am always responsible for buying presents and making sure everything is taken care of. His sister is now getting married to someone she's been with since two years ago.
My BF's mother has accompanied me to my dress fittings and made it clear that I should pay extra attention to everything since I am not just another guest but the bride's brother's GF, so yes...I've spent quite a lot since this is expected to be a stilted celebration, an extended wedding with several formal venues. I've gone through a lot of trouble to get a personal and meaningful present for the couple (it will be from the both of us but my BF hasn't really placed too much thought on it)
We got separate invitations and I've been informed that my BF is going to seat in the head table (he is not really IN the wedding) and I am going to be seated with some of the bride's FORMER CO-WORKERS! I feel quite offended.
This is a Spanish wedding (though the groom was brought up in the UK so I don't think it has to do with the protocol being different). I am a foreigner, so I feel really close to this family and have been treated as such by parents, grandparents, aunts, cousins, nieces and nephews. The "excuse" was that I don't fit in the head table…as if.. (I don't really expect to be placed there...but to me the message is clear: I am not being considered important or relevant to the couple, my BF doesn’t really want to seat there either so we don’t know why the bride insists, she says she wants “her family to sit with her”…she actually called to explain things to me and tried to make me say it was OK with me…which made me uncomfortable as well. I did not lie, I said it would make me feel uncomfortable and like an outsider (not because I had any expectations of seating in the head table but because I was expected to seat away from any member of the family, with people I don’t know and away from my BF) I explained I had been taught differently, but that I didn’t know if things where different locally, that it was her wedding and her day and that in the end she should be the one to decide what to do. SHE THANKED ME FOR BEING SO UNDERSTANDING!!! 8-0 . Am I really entitled to feel offended? I feel this could really affect our future relations with the wedding couple. I even feel compelled to not attend the wedding luncheon. I am a bit tired of being the weakest link and the one who always has to be accommodating.
BTW, my BF has a great sense of humor and suggested I told his sister: "seating in different tables would be an obstacle to our plans: we were hoping we could hack your wedding and marry as well, …a great way to optimize costs and resources" ;)
I can definitely understand why you are feeling insulted over this. After feeling like a member of the family for the past few years, being seated at what might seem to be the worst table at the reception feels like a slap in the face. However, upon reflecting on this, I think it is important to keep in mind a few things. First, you don't know (I'm assuming) what has gone into the seating arrangement. It is possible that there is simply no room at the relatives table, and the sister was being forced to bump either you or an aunt. And while you
are probably closer to the family than some second cousin,
traditionally family (blood or by law) comes first. Second, ask
yourself what your relationship with your boyfriend's sister has normally been - are you on good terms? Friendly? Is she normally considerate? If so, then give her the benefit of the doubt and keep being understanding. (If she is normally a selfish or inconsiderate person, well, this might just be part of the family you want to be a part of!)
Thankfully you will not be tied to the table during the reception. You can mingle and dance and mix with his family. And when you have your own wedding, you can show her how things are done properly (although try to resist the urge to seat her at the worst table!)
I play in a football team and want to invite my coach. I have never met my coaches wife. I am nearly at capacity as it is, but would prefer the coach and assistant coach at the wedding verses the coach and his wife who I don't know and not the assistant coach. Any thoughts good people?
It is customary to invite spouses, however you can always approach your coach and ask him if he would prefer to bring his wife or not. She might not care particularly about going to her husband's student's wedding. Good luck!
I have my own "horror" story to share.
My 1st cousin got married last summer. He had a lavish wedding. I am particularly close to his parents, who live nearby. My aunt is like a mother, aunt, sister and best friend in one.
The couple invited 150 - 200 guests. My aunt, the groom's mother, would only be having a handful of her relatives: her sister, her sister's daughter and her husband, me and my 4 sons.
A year ahead of time, I received the "save the date" card. Eight months before the wedding, I “warned” my boyfriend we had a wedding to attend.
A month before the wedding, invitations arrived. I was not given the option to bring anyone. My 4 sons, all born within 4 years time and the closest of friends, all students and living at home/college, were sent invitations. Three of them were invited with a guest. However, of the 4 only the 2 youngest were in relationships, and only one of these boys had the option to bring a guest. The two oldest were not in any relationships, were given the option of taking a guest, but the invitations specifically named their ex-girlfriends as their guests.
I had to un-invite my boyfriend.
My aunt asked me to have the couple's large wedding dinner rehearsal at my home on Thursday; my boyfriend and I hosted it. We housed, hosted and entertained out-of-town guests (aunt, cousin & her husband). We hosted a social evening at my house Friday evening for the groom's mother, my house guests, and the groom's sisters. On Saturday morning, we hosted a breakfast for my house guests, the groom's parents, and the groom's sisters, their husbands and their children. The couple never thanked us for doing any of these things. 8 months after the wedding, and we still have not even received a thank you card for the wedding gift.
The groom did not include his parents in the planning of the seating arrangements of the wedding. My aunt heard that her relatives would all be separated. It appeared we would be "fill" for tables. She was not pleased. The 9 of us on my aunt's side would be the exact number to make a table. Her son was hearing none of it. I contacted the bride's mother and politely asked if the family could be seated together. My out-of-town aunt's fiance could not make the wedding, so she was alone. I would be attending alone. My aunt was my son's godmother, and they had only seen each other twice before. I seldom saw my relatives – the houseguests who lived 10 hours from us. I was extremely cordial in the email I sent to the bride's mother. I never got a response.
Unfortunately, we were dispersed. My aunt & uncle were reluctantly placed with relatives of the bride. My house guests were placed with strangers; and I was placed with a table of strangers - all couples except my one son.
I was one of the very, very few adult guests not given the option of having a guest with me. Friends of the couple’s parents, former colleagues, were given the option of taking spouses, partners or dates. A friend of the couple’s took her brother along as her guest.
I had a miserable time, needless to say. I stayed for the ceremony, the cocktail hour, the dinner, the cutting of the cake and the first dance. After that I politely thanked the couple, the bride’s parents and the groom’s parents and bade them farewell.
Later on, the groom’s wife accused me of being rude to her parents since I requested to sit with family (the only people I knew at the wedding) and for creating drama regarding my boyfriend not being invited. (I never mentioned anything to the couple or her parents; however, the groom’s parents were very upset that they did not allow me to bring a guest, my boyfriend. This must be the drama she hinted at).
After this experience, I will NEVER attend a large extravagant wedding alone where I am not given the opportunity to take a guest, the guests are all couples (married, relationships or with dates/friends) and I know almost no one. It was treacherous.
Goodness, what an unfortunate experience! It sounds like the couple was being inconsiderate at best, bizarre and selfish at worst. In her advice above, Miss Manners advocates for couples getting married to invite "plus one" guests by name, thereby actually being interested in their guests lives and (I believe) making it more special for the guest's date. What this couple was thinking when they invited your sons ex-girlfriend's, I have no idea. (Other than perhaps being grossly misinformed.) And it is a particularly terrible breech of etiquette to not invite someone who is co-hosting anything involved with the wedding. It sounds like you did a wonderful job of not creating more stress or drama with this situation. If even your simple request was let with backlash, there was probably nothing else to be done. What an unfortunate way for this couple to start their married life - they probably created more enemies than friends with this wedding.
I am dealing with this situation now as well as the no children circumstance. Both of these are difficult topics. However, I have already told most of my friends that we just can't afford for them to bring a date. If they don't know anyone else, then of course I would allow them to bring someone. However, everyone that is attending is either in a long term relationship, engaged, married or in a group friends that all know each other. They all said that they understood and were just happy that they could take part in the big day. I think if you let family and friends know up front, they will be a lot more understanding of the situations.
I just received an invite to my cousins wedding. I currently live with my boyfriend whom I have been with for over a year and a half and am sure I will marry. The invite was only addressed to me. I completely understand budget constraints but the invite also indicates that it is a Black Tie affair. In any case we already bought two airline tickets (We live in Chicago, the wedding is in NY) and booked a hotel. I was sort of left in the situation where I had to ask since we already made reservations and booked flights. I think that people over the age of 21 in committed relationships should always get a date.
I received an email invitation and the image of the envelope that pops up when the virtual invitation is opened just said "to our friends and family". But then when I responded 'yes', the second option after yes/no offered the option for +1, just as evite often does.
While the bride and groom have both met my SO of several months and get along with him, we've only been dating several months, don't live together...I just didn't want to assume, nor would I be offended if the answer was no.
Several friends of mine will be attending the wedding, including single guy friends I can dance with (I know it's not required, but I think that should be a consideration, that singles will have SOMEONE to dance with. The more considerate brides I know have sat my single self with 1 or 2 people I already knew, and also with charming friends of the groom-something to consider if you don't allow +1s; this allows your single friends to meet others and to have a dance partner should dancing feature prominently in your reception.)
Anyways, without an envelope addressed either to just me or to "me and guest", I couldn't fall back on conventional etiquette. And the rest of our friends that are in a relationship are engaged or cohabitating.
The email I crafted to the groom, whom I know best, went like this
"Congratulations on your engagement! That's wonderful news!
Just a quick question for you. As I was responding to your reception invitation, I saw there was a spot for a guest to be added, but I didn't want to assume that this was intentional and not just a feature of the invitation website.
While I would love to bring [my honey], I would also completely respect and understand if you prefer to limit "plus ones" to just spouses and live-in partners.
I'll happily defer to whatever you and [your fiancee] deem appropriate and will be thrilled to celebrate with you either way!"
I was pretty happy w/the final product; I wanted to make sure my friends could say no without worrying that my feelings would be hurt. In case anyone wishes to borrow the phrasing, feel free.
I think Jocelyn is wrong. If you are having a wedding, where at the reception there will be either a band or a dj, you are basically holding a dance. Inviting your friends to a dance, without allowing them to invite a dance partner of their choice is tacky. If your guest is over 18, and you cannot afford to have them bring a guest, do not invite them. Realize it is you, the bride and groom, who are implying to your guest this: I am important enough to you such that you should attend my marriage - you are not important enough to me to have a dance partner of your choice at my wedding celebration.
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