Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Leaving My Wife For Another Woman

Dear Jocelyn,
I'm leaving my wife of 8 years and moving abroad to be with the woman I love.  Unfortunately, I don't feel this woman loves me as much as I love her.  She says she will open up to me once I'm there with her.  In the meantime, I've left my wife, quit my job, and put my house on the market, but I can't stop thinking this could be a recipe for disaster.  I love this woman like crazy and she says she loves me too, but I'm extremely insecure and fear that my insecurities may cost me the life I’ve always wanted with her.  Please help.
-Insecure

Dear Insecure,
You might not appreciate the advice I am going to give you, but here it is:  End things with this other woman, go back to your wife, and beg her forgiveness for doing the unthinkable. 

You said you can't stop thinking that this could be a recipe for disaster. I agree—it is a disaster. I believe you will wake up in a few years and realize that you abandoned a wife who loved you for over eight years for another woman, who despite perhaps appearing to be sexier or more exciting, was just as flawed as the woman you left. I can guarantee that any problems you and this other woman currently have will not be fixed by you moving abroad together, and will most likely be compounded. 

Perhaps your extreme insecurities led to never fully giving yourself, heart and soul, to your wife. Or perhaps they led to you being hurt by things your wife said.  No matter the reason, it is time for you to take a risk and commit fully to your wife. 

Please don't think I am giving advice purely on moral grounds. While I could, I also must include my advice as a therapist, which is that whatever is wrong with your first marriage will be wrong with your second marriage. The reason?  They both have you in it. I say this not as an insult to you, but because one thing most marriage and family therapists can agree on is that when a person gets divorced and doesn't receive counseling to fix whatever problem caused the divorce, he is much more likely to divorce the second spouse. 

So, my advice—both as a Christian and as a therapist: go back to your wife, beg for her forgiveness, and beg her to receive counseling with you. I have a link on the side of my blog to look up counselors in your area; please take advantage of it.
-Jocelyn

4 comments:

Charity said...

Well written, Jocelyn. I totally agree.

Anonymous said...

Even though you advised him very very nicely, I don't agree to what you've wrote. He might be insecure about his actions, but everyone, I mean EVERYONEEEE in this world has the right to be happy with what he/she thinks can be more happy. it's not a good thing to live in a suffering silence.
Wish u all the best.

Anonymous said...

You have a right to what you *think* will make you more happy, sure. But that wasn't the question.
To rephrase it slightly, he sought advice from a detached third party on whether his decision *would* make him more happy or not. That kind of question demands a weighing of values. Jocelyn's well-reasoned answer was "No, leaving your wife for another woman would not make you more happy."

Anonymous said...

Mr. Insecure,

Jocelyn's correct, you need to find out why the marriage is failing. I'm a swm- 42 married 4 years together 7. I left my wife because another woman was the catalyst for my marriage, however my marriage was a perfect storm waiting to happen. I learned marriage failure is close to 50/50 and we all have issues. I never should have got married to begin with, i was not in-love with my wife so that is my fault. Although she didn't need to constantly tell me she's getting a diamond for her next marriage which is not a positive comment on her end. This other woman gave me support emotionally/mentally which i was lacking when i was younger because my mother never gave it to me. In my marriage my wife was not supportive with anything therefore, I was attracted instantly to this other woman. But, I was also attracted physically to her. My wife never communicated with me and lied to me about finances for many years, i didn't trust my wife either and i told her but she didn't do anything to turn that around. I met the other woman and never had an affair, but i told my wife i wanted a divorce and that i met another woman first. I was intimate with this woman after I told my wife.
In a nut shell, learn what is making you unhappy first. Find out what what triggered your happiness with this other woman. Both parties bring fault to the marriage. Learn yourself first and more than likely your next relationship will be happier, but it will have bumps in the road. Express feelings to your girlfriend or wife, and let her express hers to you. Be honest and it hurts, but we know what not to do.

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